I have a confession – Marriage is my idol.
The worst part? I only just realized it. This Lent I chose to give up control. I handed the control of my life over to God. This is a HUGE sacrifice for me. I am a type A control freak. However, I realized I am unhealthy about it. God should be in control, not me. I was making myself sick and mere days into this I can already see how much I feel I need someone to love me and tell me I am okay. That I feel if I’m not perfect, nobody would want me. I’ve gotten to a point where it almost seems that if I’m not in a relationship (or more to the point, marriage) at this age I’m worthless. Marriage has become my obsession, something that will be the epicenter of my self worth.
This Lent, He showed me my need for change. I have been living with fists clenched too tightly. Things would go wrong without me in control, right? My pride whispered and shouted — so I took the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Life is crazy. I have been through hurt, sickness, and death. Life swirled, and I spiraled. Cried. Panicked. Cried more. Was anxious.
So now I am trying to pack up my pride and let God lead. God is looking to break my Superwoman complex. My value is not tied to my perfection. My worth is not tied to whether or not I am married.
If I get a husband tomorrow, I will be no more valuable than I am right now.
It’s oh so quiet.
It’s oh so still.
You’re all alone.
And so peaceful until…
I am so confused about why men always wanted to “figure out” a breakup months or years later. Why does he get to drag me (they hapless ex whom HE broke up with) through the emotional ringer a second time, third, fourth, and so on times? And me? Well, I still care, so I try to help him through his pain like the idiot I am.
One of my friends describes his type as a “Rehasher”. The Rehasher survives on your feelings like a succubus. I guess the motivation is he had regrets about how the relationship ended. He wants to know what could have happened, or he wants to know what to do better, or whatever. I keep feeding him, tell him what he wants to know, showing him my feelings, and then he goes away, but only for awhile. Next thing I know there is a random text or email and I’m upset again. I’ve told him I can’t be his friend but he keeps coming back and I keep feeding into him. I’m so tired.